||[Mar. 22nd, 2013|11:56 am]
My boyfriend said a lot of hurtful things the other day. We had an awful fight. We made up and im trying to be happy but everything still hurts so much. |
I feel down all the time, and i make a real huge effort to perk up. Plus now I'm paranoid that he'll stray..and i think he thinks i'll be motivated to put on more weight when he makes me scared of losing him..but the opposite is true. I actually feel inclined to lose more weight in case i lose him..because it would hurt a lot more to be without him AND fat..
i love him. i do. but i feel like this eating disorder is getting too much for him to handle. and the more scared of losing him i get, the worse the eating disorder will get. That said, he is pretty much amazing- he has sacrificed to much for me-and i know a lot of the paranoia is in my own head. I mean it's been more than a year and he still answers all my calls (or calls back as soon as he sees the missed call), still is always there for me + lets me be there for him, still makes time for me, makes an effort to please me, he's smart and has crazy good intuition, he's talented (although i wish he was more confident about it), and his eyes are the most gorgeous things ever to exist.
I'm trying, i really am-i just feel worried since that fight and am still not reassured that no one catches his eyes but me-he tells me when i ask him to..but he used to tell me on his own and lately he doesnt. He also said during the fight that he's tired of censoring himself to please me-which leads me to believe that he doesnt want to put in effort for me anymore..im scared that im not as valuable to him..and i have no idea what is true and what is just created in my head from insecurity.
im just so lost and confused..and i wish things could just be good again, that he'd never drifted away, that i could feel comfortable again. i want the pain gone, i want it gone without anyone having to be dishonest.
today i ate a ton of grapes, a plum and a nectarine. later i'll have another plum and nectarine, more grapes as well as some cruskits with low fat cream cheese and maybe a coffee if a coworker makes it for me.
It's horrible that im a psychologist and i help people manage their thoughts and emotions..yet i can't do so myself. it's so embarrassing. i can't tell anyone how much im struggling because i feel like that will chip away at my "perfect" mask and also make me look like im not good at my own job, which I AM.
i just need things to improve. I feel like im trying so much..but every minute seems to be a struggle. I interact like normal, but inside doesnt feel settled. :(