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(no subject) [May. 29th, 2013|04:53 am]
Just writing this post to remind myself of this moment. I am in pain. My joints hurt so much. my shoulders are stiff, my knees are in pain and doctors just aren't that helpful in figuring out what's wrong with me. I'm hoping they figure it out soon because this pain is annoying and makes life so much harder. Regular movements are difficult. I just want to tell myself that if they manage to make this pain stop and fix whatever is rong- that health needs to become a real priority. That I need to eat healthily-no more restricting or binge eating or purging or severe restricting. My body has enough crap that it goes through without the added destruction of poor nutrition. My mind has enough going on in life without the added burden of constant fixation on weight and body and food. i need to heal and move on. Ten years of this and i dont want to be right back here in this moment in ten more years thinking about 20 years of wasted life.
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(no subject) [Apr. 28th, 2013|03:34 am]
every time i feel myself getting even the slightest bit bloated or bigger i feel as though people notice.
I end up falling into faulty thinking patterns and actually believing that anyone who glances at me will no longer consider me thin and that even if they do, it won't be considered thin enough to be exceptional. This usually happens after i have a (good?) day where i've actually managed to have meals and keep them down or after i've just had a meal and my stomach is no longer concave. It is far more stressful than it should be and I hate it. I always wear my boyfriends jacket or one of his t-shirts after i eat a meal just to hide the fact that my stomach has expanded (not to hide it from him, just to hide it in general i guess?). I'm so tired of it. There's not nearly enough reward from this lifestyle and there's so so much loss. Yet i can't seem to let go. I think a large part of that is because even though i stress now about how i look and what i weigh- i remember that at larger weights it felt a lot worse. If i think rationally, then i can identify that this was the case because i still had an eating disorder (and therefore the associated mindset) at those higher weights so that is why i was so unhappy and anxious about leaving the house/being seen/being judged/everything in the world..and by that logic i can reasonably assume that if i heal completely from this eating disorder and proper cognitive restructuring occurs, then my weight will not be a big enough issue to me for it it make me feel bad and sad and anxious etc.
Unfortunately, knowing this is not enough right now to help me move forward.
Life still feels (and is) unstable, and food/eating/consumption/weight control is still my go-to coping tool.

To this day i still feel devastated by the fact that i lost the weight and life was still hard. There are too many other factors at play here.
Furthermore, i don't really like who i am..yet my personality prohibits changing who i am without feeling ten times worse about myself simply because it means i wasn't good enough to begin with.
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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2013|09:07 pm]
ate too much. ate too much. ate too much. ate too much. sigh
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tidying my thoughts [Mar. 26th, 2013|09:40 pm]
Plan for tomorrow:
wake up before 7am
Go to morning shift
come back around 9:15am
get dressed.
Leave house by 9:30
drive to D's. Be there by 10:15
Meet S for breakfast at 11am.
After breakfast, spend whatever time i have left with D.
leave D's by 1:15 at the latest.
Be home by 2pm for arvo shift.
get home around 4pm
Lay out clothes for work tomorrow

wake up by 6:45am at the latest
Get fruit from fridge and contain for work
Go to work..get there by 8:15am at the latest
be at work until 6:30pm when session is over.
Get home around 7:30pm
Shower by 8:30pm
Sleep by 11:30pm
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hurt [Mar. 22nd, 2013|11:56 am]
My boyfriend said a lot of hurtful things the other day. We had an awful fight. We made up and im trying to be happy but everything still hurts so much.
I feel down all the time, and i make a real huge effort to perk up. Plus now I'm paranoid that he'll stray..and i think he thinks i'll be motivated to put on more weight when he makes me scared of losing him..but the opposite is true. I actually feel inclined to lose more weight in case i lose him..because it would hurt a lot more to be without him AND fat..
i love him. i do. but i feel like this eating disorder is getting too much for him to handle. and the more scared of losing him i get, the worse the eating disorder will get. That said, he is pretty much amazing- he has sacrificed to much for me-and i know a lot of the paranoia is in my own head. I mean it's been more than a year and he still answers all my calls (or calls back as soon as he sees the missed call), still is always there for me + lets me be there for him, still makes time for me, makes an effort to please me, he's smart and has crazy good intuition, he's talented (although i wish he was more confident about it), and his eyes are the most gorgeous things ever to exist.
I'm trying, i really am-i just feel worried since that fight and am still not reassured that no one catches his eyes but me-he tells me when i ask him to..but he used to tell me on his own and lately he doesnt. He also said during the fight that he's tired of censoring himself to please me-which leads me to believe that he doesnt want to put in effort for me anymore..im scared that im not as valuable to him..and i have no idea what is true and what is just created in my head from insecurity.
im just so lost and confused..and i wish things could just be good again, that he'd never drifted away, that i could feel comfortable again. i want the pain gone, i want it gone without anyone having to be dishonest.

today i ate a ton of grapes, a plum and a nectarine. later i'll have another plum and nectarine, more grapes as well as some cruskits with low fat cream cheese and maybe a coffee if a coworker makes it for me.

It's horrible that im a psychologist and i help people manage their thoughts and emotions..yet i can't do so myself. it's so embarrassing. i can't tell anyone how much im struggling because i feel like that will chip away at my "perfect" mask and also make me look like im not good at my own job, which I AM.
i just need things to improve. I feel like im trying so much..but every minute seems to be a struggle. I interact like normal, but inside doesnt feel settled. :(
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Here we go [Mar. 12th, 2013|02:43 pm]
I'm underweight again. My eating disorder is in a scary place.
I think my eating disorder can't and won't die until i am living away from home.
Restricting, bingeing, purging. The whole lot.
I still want to lose more weight. My boyfriend doesn't want me to.
I want to be able to eat freely..I'm just scared because my appetite for food is bigger than that of most.
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(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2011|12:05 am]
I aced my exams (and actually got the highest mark out of everyone for the stats exam! woohoo!)
Holidays are over.
One semester to go.
I am still in holiday mode though and I really need to get cracking!
Hopefully I snap out of this laziness soon.
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(no subject) [Jun. 21st, 2011|05:04 pm]
Trying to memorise all the information in the world for my next exam. I keep procrastinating. Fingers are also very swollen so i'm on antibiotics and just hoping the swelling goes down in time for the exam so i can actually write!
Very frustrated right now. Very exited for the exam to be over and holidays to start though. Not that it's much of a holiday when I have a thesis to be working on.
E/Dwise things are ok. Have slipped and purged a few times but generally things are stableish ( this is about as stable as they get for me).
I just posted this to procrastinate so i'm going to put the laptop away now and go back to reading and rereading the same 23 pages over and over and over and over.
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(no subject) [May. 15th, 2011|01:45 pm]
I'm on a roll! Ritalin=PRODUCTIVITY. It's a beautiful thing. Truly.
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(no subject) [May. 9th, 2011|09:39 pm]
[mood |contentcontent]

Working on my thesis. Sort of. Procrasting..A lot.
I have another assignment due the same day as my draft intro. So i have 2 weeks to write 3000-3500 word intro as well as a 2000 word case study on myself. Ahh the frustration of 4th year psychology!
I've written about 850 words of my draft intro so far.
blah blah blah, i just wrote this entry to procrastinate, so i'm going to save myself and end it now lol.
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